friendlyvirgo.com

I’ve been observing a lot of relationships around me and I seem to always make the same mistakes. My main goal is to find that spark I use to have inside of me when I was with jeremiah. Instead of relaxing and let things happen naturally I force the process along. Big Mistake!

I was having lunch with Gary a few days ago and he asked me, “Who is the guy in your life? Does he make you laugh, happy, take you out…? etc. The answers were obvious to him. He reads me like a book. I was happy with my boyfriend in his presence only. When we’re apart I’m a reck. The situation I’m going through now reminds me of adrian. The same ducking and hiding.

Only 3 men in my past have cracked my shell. They knew when to look past my phony exterior and pull out that scared woman inside. There are many times that I’ve act weird around my boyfriend. Only because I was dying for attention. Not sexual but social attention. I wanted to take nice walks along the jersey shore. Exchange kisses while curled up watching a movie. I’m a woman and I shouldn’t have to wait until he gets his life together for me to get what I want. There! I said it. Call me selfish.

I’m ready to settle down. I’ve been ready. Things happen for a reason and I’ll take this as a lesson learned. School & Work is my main focus. Love will always be last. I’m learning that the hard way.

It’s been two years since I’ve had an anxiety attack. I was sitting here talking to my sister long distance about her recent sickle cell attack. My anxiety was getting the best of me. I really couldn’t handle it. I suddenly got hot, starting sweating, my heart was pounding, and I couldn’t breathe. I use to have constant attacks so I’m use to it.

I never told my mother about my anxiety. I slowly took on alot of worries when growing up. My mother struggled with me while raising me. Bills were piling up. Rent is always around the corner. My mom had to always put me 1st. As a kid, I cared. I always took things like that on as my own. I wanted to make my mother happy, so I sacraficed alot as a child. I care not to say any further.

My anxiety. I don’t know how to stop it. My doctor told me to meditate to relieve my stress and worries. That’s not easy for me. And I’m not going to see any doctor anymore. Nor will I be hopped up on medication. I don’t even like pills. Plus this is my 1st attack in two years. I think I’m doing good so far.